It’s been a little over a year new since I’ve been on my own and away from my son. So many things have happened in that time. So many new friends and experiences that I am still blown away about. I have also missed out on so much that I am pretty bummed about. I’ve done a lot of thinking this passed week and I’ve come to the realization of a few things..
First, I really want to quit drinking. It has brought me many good times but It’s brought me many bad times as well and If I’m to be the man I want to be, then it has to go. Secondly, I am so done with the single life.. I miss having someone to come home too. I’m not the kind of dude that fucks around, I don’t find that lifestyle very appealing at all. The same fun I have now would be ten times better with someone by my side. Lastly, I think I need to go off the grid for a bit while I figure all this out. When I move I am going to grind hard to take my poetry where i want it to go. I have a list of things I want to accomplish and I’ve been slacking bad. So enough of that..
This year has been everything it needed to be and now I’m ready to be the man I want to be, the one that I need to be to achieve my goals and the one I need to be to be a good father to my son… expect big things from me in the future..
Much love to everyone
I’m not entirely sure why I’ve taken so long to see visit her grave. I feel so bad about it but today I went. It’s been 6 years since she passed and it feels like it’s been so much longer and shorter at the same time. Almost like time has frozen but things are still happening if that makes any sense. I really could have sat there all day telling her everything that has happened to me since she left us. It’s such a strange feeling because I’m sad but I didn’t cry like I thought I was going to (still did a little) but instead this sort of numb feeling came over me almost like my mind was still in disbelief.
The level of how much I miss her is insane.. I just want to hear her speak, see her smile or just see her at all. Like come back to us mom.. we miss you.. She was loved by so many people and I really try to embody that part of her. She is still my guide in so many ways. I’ve learned from her mistakes and embraced the good things as well. I am honestly scared that some of her demons will become mine and that one day I will lose my way and won’t be able to find my way back..
I’d love to say I’ll be fine but honestly I don’t know.. What do you do when you lose your best friend and one of your biggest motivations in life? How do I deal with the pain? I don’t know, I haven’t done that yet. I just keep moving, keep writing, and stay busy.. I don’t like being alone because I get trapped inside my head and my thoughts are not always nice.. Do not say sorry because well just don’t.. and no matter how much someone says it’ll be alright, I don’t believe you because unless you can bring her back, it won’t be alright. So many times I wish I could go back and change how things played out but we don’t get to do that… We just get to live with the results of our choices and move on from there.
Mother, I wish you could see my son.. He is so freaking amazing. I know I haven’t been the best dad but I’m changing that because besides you, he’s my biggest fan. Maybe some day we can hang out and play some video games like old times, I’d like that. Anyways I love you so much and please continue to help me anyway you can and I will do the same for those I love around me.. Everyone misses you and we all love you so freaking much…
There only 3 things I need in life to survive. Good conversation, Honesty, and Love are those things, nothing else comes close to those things. Money will not bring you long-term anything except more bills. If I ever do favors for you it’s because I care about you or if I just met you, it’s because you seem legit or you are with someone I know. I will rarely expect to be paid back because if you are a good person, that shit will even out down the road at some point.
Please for the love of everything in this universe and beyond, be honest with me about everything.. I do not like feeling like there is more to the story and I will not tolerate being lied to (I will call you out on it too). I am a fair and kind man majority of the time unless something has pissed me off. Do not take that for granted because I don’t do it for everyone and I will cut you out real quick if you decide to be that person… anyways I’m tired and a little frustrated with people, I was going to write more but again I’m sleepy as fuck… later
So I decided to test out an idea I had yesterday. The purpose is to show that we are not all the same and that people are different from one another. I wanted to show everyone that despite what the world sees us as, we actually have our own thought process. I plan to do this by asking 10 questions to around 12 people (at least to start). I ran a test yesterday with 5 of my friends just to see how this word work. I asked one question for the test. Also this was asked through Facebook so It may look funny when I paste it here and I’m going to keep it anonymous as well.
What keeps you alive?
My response: There has been a few times where I thought about calling it quits but I always asked myself this question. If I still had a reason then I would stay and just deal with whatever was making me feel this way. I look back and think about everything that I have been through, all the heartache and pain, all of the good and bad shit that has come my way. I say to myself “You’ve come too far man”. Not only have I been through hell at least 3 times if not more, I’ve escaped death at least a handful of times and now I have my son who needs me. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by what appears to be some of the only logical people left on this planet. Why the fuck would I want to leave that? I still haven’t realized my dreams, still haven’t seen my son realize his and above everything, I still have purpose and things to give to this world! There is still a fire that burns uncontrollably inside that is sooo fuckin far from dying.
Person 1: Thats a good question, to be honest, its the half I dont want to be seen as someone who gave up because life is hard, and the other half, is I believe I have a purpose, to shape minds, first and foremost my children, but beyond that the general collective…I’ve felt like that since I was a child…its weird to describe it.
So what’s keeping me alive is all the laws of the physical universe. What makes me want to be alive is, what Richard Feynman calls the pleasure of finding things out, and also the chance of becoming wealthy and gaining freedom. Freedom mostly to explore the world which is just a different kind of version of the pleasure of finding things out. Since I was a kid the only real interest I had was finding out why we are all here. As Allen Watts explains there are only 3 real philosophical questions, . . . Who did it, why did they do it, and should I kill myself. Richard Feynman’s version of the pleasure of finding things out is more of a scientific endeavor in which he tries to use physics to find a theory of everything, a unifying theory that explains time, space, and everything that exists. Of course to base all your happiness on something that will probably not be discovered in your lifetime is foolish so you must content yourself with knowing as much as possible. There’s a sort of cognitive dissonance when I try to derive enjoyment out of my life by exploiting my evolutionary flaws such as the pleasures of sodiums or fats which had been scarce historically but is no longer evolutionarily necessary . . . The same can be said with other evolutionary exploitations like the use of condoms even though they are completely necessary. The one facet of life that gives me enjoyment without the empty feeling that exploiting my evolutionary instincts gives is learning about science and philosophy I think this is one of the main reasons I chose to study physics although the pay is also decent something like 50k starting off. I believe the pleasure of finding things out is the new evolutionary trait of highest ranking importance as every emotion we have was molded to facilitate survival . . . And this one does that more so than any other. Boxing is also something I enjoy doing, although it is exploiting evolution somewhat it is also necessary for health to do the exercise . . . And although I believe I have the speed and the technique capability to become a world champion and enrich myself affording freedoms that wealth gives you, time isn’t on my side . . And anything could happen, circumstances that are beyond my control. I have therefore decided to base my happiness on the study of physics, specifically condensed matter and dabble in other fields. Although I made a promise to myself some years ago to never quit anything so I will continue training boxing until the day that I die, whatever happens happens. I think I know myself now better than I ever have before and I believe this is the smartest decision I have made.
Person 3: I cant help people if im dead, plain & simple.
What keeps me alive, id say music is one of the largest by far one of the largest contributors. Both creating and listing have always been large. Aside from that family and friends and my favorite creative minds that exist these minds shape the generations to come with insight and are the people I tend to bring closer to my being. But as far as myself, I stay alive on the becoming better, living life, and the desire to get to a vision or somewhere near what I Invision bringing and finding happiness and finding myself. Sorry rushed and not entirely organized but somewhat what and how I mean it.
My familly and music. More specific wife, son, and music.
I think everyone at somepoint needs to ask themselves this question and feel free to put your repsonses here. Post your thoughts on this Idea as well and anything that may help or ways to be more effective in this goal of mine.
I remember saying..
There’s still hope
That humanity isn’t lost yet
But I fear..
So many don’t realize the cost yet
This spiral has quickened
The earth weeps more
I can hear the screams
Lost souls clawing at the ledge
Faces of fear and sadness
All that I thought would save us
Is falling off the edge..