Well this month has be ummmm… crazy. I moved from MA to upstate NY, been job hunting like crazy (currently doing that), dealing with being broke and a nasty water leak in my kitchen that I can’t fix right now because I’m broke. In the midst of all that stuff I finally have internet back and my 4th Spoken Word Album “Ramblings” (finally decided on a title) should hopefully be done by the weekend if all goes well… Ugh I’m ready for a break!
I’ve been slacking a little here as a result of everything but I should be back on track next week I hope. Hope all is well with you guys and thanks for reading and showing me support!
Today marks another day I struggle
Today marks another day I’m frustrated
Today marks another day I search for a productive escape
I am beyond tired of living how we are forced to live
Tired of feeling forced to live how I feel we are forced to live
I hate the search for money but I am trapped
Stuck in the eternal circle of greed and green
In the pit of dead souls because society is losing it’s meaning
Sucks being a person who wants to enjoy life but can’t
Too many scenes that are not focused on cleaning
Instead focused on bleeding
Seeming to never want to understand the truth
Instead we are judged on our missing tooth
I’m scared to fail
But what does that word mean
Am I failing because my wallet will never be full
or is it because my credit looks likes the feeling of a failing student in school
I wish failing meant more
Like I failed because I didn’t enjoy my life fully
Or I failed because I couldn’t embody the person within
I don’t want the “american dream” if it means forsakening my core
I need my life to mean more
I need your life to mean more
I want to see real people instead of a mankins in the world’s store
Our words and our actions are the only things we’ve ever had
The only things that meant anything real
It is what separates good from bad
Happiness from sad
Explains the relationship between the words..
Tears and death
Smiles and glad
We are so far from the truth
So far from anything real
Instead we sleep with despair
Fuck inner sadness and cry in the mirror
We are killing ourselves
For the next dollar
For that good lookin person’s holla
Whatever that means…
If I die tomorrow…
I’ll have gone being me
If I die tomorrow….
Share words like these so that all can see
Because our future deserves better
Our sons and daughters did nothing wrong
They deserves to be truly happy
It’s been a little over a year new since I’ve been on my own and away from my son. So many things have happened in that time. So many new friends and experiences that I am still blown away about. I have also missed out on so much that I am pretty bummed about. I’ve done a lot of thinking this passed week and I’ve come to the realization of a few things..
First, I really want to quit drinking. It has brought me many good times but It’s brought me many bad times as well and If I’m to be the man I want to be, then it has to go. Secondly, I am so done with the single life.. I miss having someone to come home too. I’m not the kind of dude that fucks around, I don’t find that lifestyle very appealing at all. The same fun I have now would be ten times better with someone by my side. Lastly, I think I need to go off the grid for a bit while I figure all this out. When I move I am going to grind hard to take my poetry where i want it to go. I have a list of things I want to accomplish and I’ve been slacking bad. So enough of that..
This year has been everything it needed to be and now I’m ready to be the man I want to be, the one that I need to be to achieve my goals and the one I need to be to be a good father to my son… expect big things from me in the future..
Much love to everyone
I’m not entirely sure why I’ve taken so long to see visit her grave. I feel so bad about it but today I went. It’s been 6 years since she passed and it feels like it’s been so much longer and shorter at the same time. Almost like time has frozen but things are still happening if that makes any sense. I really could have sat there all day telling her everything that has happened to me since she left us. It’s such a strange feeling because I’m sad but I didn’t cry like I thought I was going to (still did a little) but instead this sort of numb feeling came over me almost like my mind was still in disbelief.
The level of how much I miss her is insane.. I just want to hear her speak, see her smile or just see her at all. Like come back to us mom.. we miss you.. She was loved by so many people and I really try to embody that part of her. She is still my guide in so many ways. I’ve learned from her mistakes and embraced the good things as well. I am honestly scared that some of her demons will become mine and that one day I will lose my way and won’t be able to find my way back..
I’d love to say I’ll be fine but honestly I don’t know.. What do you do when you lose your best friend and one of your biggest motivations in life? How do I deal with the pain? I don’t know, I haven’t done that yet. I just keep moving, keep writing, and stay busy.. I don’t like being alone because I get trapped inside my head and my thoughts are not always nice.. Do not say sorry because well just don’t.. and no matter how much someone says it’ll be alright, I don’t believe you because unless you can bring her back, it won’t be alright. So many times I wish I could go back and change how things played out but we don’t get to do that… We just get to live with the results of our choices and move on from there.
Mother, I wish you could see my son.. He is so freaking amazing. I know I haven’t been the best dad but I’m changing that because besides you, he’s my biggest fan. Maybe some day we can hang out and play some video games like old times, I’d like that. Anyways I love you so much and please continue to help me anyway you can and I will do the same for those I love around me.. Everyone misses you and we all love you so freaking much…
There only 3 things I need in life to survive. Good conversation, Honesty, and Love are those things, nothing else comes close to those things. Money will not bring you long-term anything except more bills. If I ever do favors for you it’s because I care about you or if I just met you, it’s because you seem legit or you are with someone I know. I will rarely expect to be paid back because if you are a good person, that shit will even out down the road at some point.
Please for the love of everything in this universe and beyond, be honest with me about everything.. I do not like feeling like there is more to the story and I will not tolerate being lied to (I will call you out on it too). I am a fair and kind man majority of the time unless something has pissed me off. Do not take that for granted because I don’t do it for everyone and I will cut you out real quick if you decide to be that person… anyways I’m tired and a little frustrated with people, I was going to write more but again I’m sleepy as fuck… later