I’m not entirely sure why I’ve taken so long to see visit her grave. I feel so bad about it but today I went. It’s been 6 years since she passed and it feels like it’s been so much longer and shorter at the same time. Almost like time has frozen but things are still happening if that makes any sense. I really could have sat there all day telling her everything that has happened to me since she left us. It’s such a strange feeling because I’m sad but I didn’t cry like I thought I was going to (still did a little) but instead this sort of numb feeling came over me almost like my mind was still in disbelief.
The level of how much I miss her is insane.. I just want to hear her speak, see her smile or just see her at all. Like come back to us mom.. we miss you.. She was loved by so many people and I really try to embody that part of her. She is still my guide in so many ways. I’ve learned from her mistakes and embraced the good things as well. I am honestly scared that some of her demons will become mine and that one day I will lose my way and won’t be able to find my way back..
I’d love to say I’ll be fine but honestly I don’t know.. What do you do when you lose your best friend and one of your biggest motivations in life? How do I deal with the pain? I don’t know, I haven’t done that yet. I just keep moving, keep writing, and stay busy.. I don’t like being alone because I get trapped inside my head and my thoughts are not always nice.. Do not say sorry because well just don’t.. and no matter how much someone says it’ll be alright, I don’t believe you because unless you can bring her back, it won’t be alright. So many times I wish I could go back and change how things played out but we don’t get to do that… We just get to live with the results of our choices and move on from there.
Mother, I wish you could see my son.. He is so freaking amazing. I know I haven’t been the best dad but I’m changing that because besides you, he’s my biggest fan. Maybe some day we can hang out and play some video games like old times, I’d like that. Anyways I love you so much and please continue to help me anyway you can and I will do the same for those I love around me.. Everyone misses you and we all love you so freaking much…
Guide to a Better Mind and Understanding. 